Trials

How do you go from one day to the next and not really know where you are going?  Why doesn't life come with a manual?  Well it does come with a manual but living up to that manual is not easy at all.

God said life would  never be easy but He would be there.  My life so far the past 7 months have been a living testament to life not being easy. 

First of all almost losing my son.  What can you say to that.  He was never really mine and is not really mine.  He is God's son right? But when Robert ended up with a ruptured AVM on New Years Day 2013 my life came crashing to a halt.  I may have been more scared at that moment then I have ever been; there was still a piece of me...a LARGE piece of me that knew God had him.  God was going to protect him and keep him safe.  Even though the human part of me was scared to death of losing him the spiritual part of me knew that even if that was the case God was with me through it all.  Long story short God saved my son and today he is almost back to the boy he was on December 31, 2012. 

Life since that has just been a little crazy.  Juggling the rehabs and therapies for Robert, school for all the kids, Caleb and Sarah seeking for mommy's attention even if that attention is negative attention breaks my heart.  I try to do the best I can.  Have always tried to do the best I could through this all.  I am told all the time how resilient kids are and that they will bounce back and get through this.  That I did do the best I could and what a living testament to what a true Christian is like and the faith one has. 

Money

How many out there are tired of being money poor? I don't know poor as in having no place to live or food on your table or clothes to wear. 

I would never ever change where we are.  I would never ever say that having my son back was a hardship.  I would do everything all over again to keep him here with us.  But having no money to do anything I would like to do is hard.  This may sound selfish but once in a while I want to go get a massage, or take a vacation or go shopping without having to just 'window' shop because there just is no money.  I want to be able to do some of the gardening and home improvements just like everyone else.  I would love to be able a the drop of a dime take off for the weekend.  I want to give to my kids some of the extras they would like to have.

Go back to work you say.  Well some days I want to do just that.  But, again that god almighty dollar is the reason I don't go back to work.  Well in order to do that I would have to find a job that pays almost 5 times what I was making before we had children.  That would be to cover childcare, clothes, car things and also income tax.. But my career field doesn't pay that way (high).  So here I sit getting resentful.......what's up with that.

I should be grateful for what God has provided for me and I am.  But, my sinful nature...the human part of me would like to be able to do more...