Trials

How do you go from one day to the next and not really know where you are going?  Why doesn't life come with a manual?  Well it does come with a manual but living up to that manual is not easy at all.

God said life would  never be easy but He would be there.  My life so far the past 7 months have been a living testament to life not being easy. 

First of all almost losing my son.  What can you say to that.  He was never really mine and is not really mine.  He is God's son right? But when Robert ended up with a ruptured AVM on New Years Day 2013 my life came crashing to a halt.  I may have been more scared at that moment then I have ever been; there was still a piece of me...a LARGE piece of me that knew God had him.  God was going to protect him and keep him safe.  Even though the human part of me was scared to death of losing him the spiritual part of me knew that even if that was the case God was with me through it all.  Long story short God saved my son and today he is almost back to the boy he was on December 31, 2012. 

Life since that has just been a little crazy.  Juggling the rehabs and therapies for Robert, school for all the kids, Caleb and Sarah seeking for mommy's attention even if that attention is negative attention breaks my heart.  I try to do the best I can.  Have always tried to do the best I could through this all.  I am told all the time how resilient kids are and that they will bounce back and get through this.  That I did do the best I could and what a living testament to what a true Christian is like and the faith one has. 

Money

How many out there are tired of being money poor? I don't know poor as in having no place to live or food on your table or clothes to wear. 

I would never ever change where we are.  I would never ever say that having my son back was a hardship.  I would do everything all over again to keep him here with us.  But having no money to do anything I would like to do is hard.  This may sound selfish but once in a while I want to go get a massage, or take a vacation or go shopping without having to just 'window' shop because there just is no money.  I want to be able to do some of the gardening and home improvements just like everyone else.  I would love to be able a the drop of a dime take off for the weekend.  I want to give to my kids some of the extras they would like to have.

Go back to work you say.  Well some days I want to do just that.  But, again that god almighty dollar is the reason I don't go back to work.  Well in order to do that I would have to find a job that pays almost 5 times what I was making before we had children.  That would be to cover childcare, clothes, car things and also income tax.. But my career field doesn't pay that way (high).  So here I sit getting resentful.......what's up with that.

I should be grateful for what God has provided for me and I am.  But, my sinful nature...the human part of me would like to be able to do more...

thoughts

ok been thinking a lot lately on why we do or sometimes even don't do some things.

I have lost a total of 70lbs since my journey started in November 2008 that is 2 of little girls like my daughter. I started out at 320lbs and today is 251.. I went from a size 30/32 to today being able to wear some 26/28 size clothes. It didn't occur to me until I went to church last Sunday how good I am looking and more importantly feeling.. I dressed in clothes that fit me and I put on some make up and jewelry. I can't remember the last time I did the make up and jewelry thing. I never really was a make up person. But people came up to me telling me how good I looked and how proud they were of me for doing this for myself as well as for my family.

So the thoughts going through my mind right now are why do we continue to hold onto the old ie:thoughts, eating habits, clothes that no longer fit. I mean I felt AMAZING in that size 26 but yet I still have my 'fat' girl clothes and I still wear my 'fat' girl clothes. I used to say I love big clothes cuz they are roomy and comfy. They were mostly dark colors cuz they didn't make me look as big as I was.

But in reality the big and comfy clothes were things I used to hide; hide not only what I was a fat girl but also who I was at that time. I was someone who was scared to be the woman God made me to be. I was someone who was ashamed of who I was when I let food take control of my life. I was ashamed of not having the strength to look myself in the mirror with all my faults but also with all my gifts and love that girl/woman unconditionally because I am special, I am amazing, I am worth the time/work/love.

Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go. I still hold on to those clothes as the mask they are. I still have a few issues on who I am and my relationship with food is an ever developing one one I hope to one day master and have total control over. I hope to one day be able to get rid of those things that I continue to keep horded, as it is, in my closet to make room for the new me... the real me... the me who is happy and confident me.

An new year a new outlook

As each New Year begins people make 'resolutions' to live a better life, lose weight, become a better person, not take advantage of family and friends.

How many people actually keep those resolution? I know in the past I am so guilty of being one of those who made those promises with every good intention and it doesn't happen. The main reason is we make promises that are too high a goal to keep in reality.

This year I am not going to make any resolutions except to try to be the best I can be and to work on making me come first. I realize that is not a popular theme as the Christian book says : It's not about me; but when you are a person who puts everyone else before you and when it's time for me I am so exhausted and me gets left behind.

Blessings
ME

Ok so the life lesson at our church right now is titled Doubt...doubt about all things: does God really exist, God's will for our lives, and any other doubts you have regarding God and his relationship with us on a community level as well as a personaly level.

This week we talked about Jonah and God's plan for his life and for our lives. The question was posed what is our Nineveh? Meaning what is God calling us to do that we think we either shouldn't, can't or won't do for whatever reasons those are? What are we afraid will happen if we just live in God's grace and will/plan for our lives? Are we afraid of giving complete control over to someone we can't see? Are we afraid of trusting someone so completely that what we do even when we do something matters not? Those are frightful things but God is so much bigger then that. Look outside one night and just lay there what do you see? The night time sky littered with stars and planets. Did God create that? In Genesis its states that God created all earth, sky, moon, sun, stars etc... now if God can create that such beautiful yet unknown to it's fullest what's to say His plans for our lives can't be as beautiful and full of unknown for us.

We will always have doubts and wondering hearts but the bottom line is God says who He is in plain terms I AM. He will be there no matter what is going on in your life and the knowledge that He is behind this life and this plan is comforting to know.

Well it's official I know I shouldn't be getting on the scale here at home but I just couldn't help it. I have officially (according to our scale anyway) gained back 10 of the 30lbs I lost in the first 3months since my lap band surgery.

I know I shouldn't blame it all on the fact that I haven't been able to have a fill since December because my port got dislodged and flipped over. We are currently STILL waiting for our new insurance to approve the surgery to adjsut the port. I know I have not been following a strict low fat low/no sugar diet. I guess instead of beating myself up over it starting tomorrow it should go back to strict strict strict diet and get back into the gym!!!!!!!!


I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK OK OK so why does what people think and feel about us matter so much.

Why do we strive to make sure our parents like us, our friends like, and even strangers for that matter......The thought of having someone out there mad, upset or dissatisfied with us is terrifying. I want to know why is that? Why can't we just be satisfied with who we are, what we are and what God has made us to be. Even with all our flaws... no one is perfect...we know that in our heads but why does our heart feel that just because we aren't we are flawed.......