thoughts

ok been thinking a lot lately on why we do or sometimes even don't do some things.

I have lost a total of 70lbs since my journey started in November 2008 that is 2 of little girls like my daughter. I started out at 320lbs and today is 251.. I went from a size 30/32 to today being able to wear some 26/28 size clothes. It didn't occur to me until I went to church last Sunday how good I am looking and more importantly feeling.. I dressed in clothes that fit me and I put on some make up and jewelry. I can't remember the last time I did the make up and jewelry thing. I never really was a make up person. But people came up to me telling me how good I looked and how proud they were of me for doing this for myself as well as for my family.

So the thoughts going through my mind right now are why do we continue to hold onto the old ie:thoughts, eating habits, clothes that no longer fit. I mean I felt AMAZING in that size 26 but yet I still have my 'fat' girl clothes and I still wear my 'fat' girl clothes. I used to say I love big clothes cuz they are roomy and comfy. They were mostly dark colors cuz they didn't make me look as big as I was.

But in reality the big and comfy clothes were things I used to hide; hide not only what I was a fat girl but also who I was at that time. I was someone who was scared to be the woman God made me to be. I was someone who was ashamed of who I was when I let food take control of my life. I was ashamed of not having the strength to look myself in the mirror with all my faults but also with all my gifts and love that girl/woman unconditionally because I am special, I am amazing, I am worth the time/work/love.

Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go. I still hold on to those clothes as the mask they are. I still have a few issues on who I am and my relationship with food is an ever developing one one I hope to one day master and have total control over. I hope to one day be able to get rid of those things that I continue to keep horded, as it is, in my closet to make room for the new me... the real me... the me who is happy and confident me.